Thanks to you all for your responses. This is obviously an issue that I'm
not alone in facing. There is clearly a fine line to be drawn between
pushing our sons/daughters to ensure they keep up the pace whilst not
overdoing it and adding stress and/or putting a strain on relationships.
As for us, it's time to provide that supporting environment and back off
from the pushing. Our daughter is bright and certainly has it within her
grasp to get the grades she needs for her uni course.
I also wrote to the Exam Doctor. He's a resource provided by the QCA to
provide support to students and parents. His reply was helpful too - I've
included it below.
Thanks for your advice
Neil
Hi Neil and thank you for your question. Thankfully I am past that stage
now and I can give advice to others, without any personal involvement, and
relax. However, I remember it well - and largely it is to do with growing
up for the young person and beginning to be independent. Transitional
phases are never easy. But first off, I have some notes which your daughter
might find helpful, and they can be downloaded from:
http://www.qca.org.uk/7341.html Getting started is always the most difficult
part - in most cases - but then that applies to adults too, when we have to
do something which we would rather not.
Now parents - they should be seen and not heard. Because, otherwise what
can you do - apart from have rows. And then all energies will be put into
matters of principle. 'Going out again tonight? You were out last night and
at the weekend'. And that is where the difficulty lies. So the person who
needs to understand what has to be done and how to go about it - and to
suffer if she doesn't - is your daughter. Because once she takes ownership
of her own destiny, she will become motivated - realising that success or
failure depends solely on her, and not her parents - or anyone else for that
matter.
Tea and sympathy, and a place to study - and lots of time to listen, but
only if she wants to talk would be helpful. The question is, of course,
does your daughter know the rules and how to react to your way of dealing
with the issue? Whatever, I am pretty sure that the dominant parent
attitude doesn't work - although there is the temptation not to stand aside
and see them making a mistake - when if they would only do what we suggest,
then everything would be ok.
Certainly, planning ahead - in terms of what she has to do and the work she
has to cover - is a first step. And then a balance of work and recreation
is important too. So that when she works she works and when she plays she
plays. See my notes, on how to get started.
The difficult part for you as a parent is watching, in the belief that she
hasn't got her priorities right. But I guess we all went through that stage
too, and most of us end up fairly-well balanced, and possibly in one piece.
But your daughter would be 'gutted' if she didn't get the grades she needs -
so maybe she is already motivated. These are ambitious grades and to be
going for them suggests that she has already done exceptionally well in her
school career - so be careful that you don't bring extra stress to bear
needlessly.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,
Exams Doctor